Saw Therapy
by DARWIN51
Summary: Crackfic. A therapy session with the characters of saw, hosted by Morgan Freeman. Includes parody  I'm Jigsaw and I know it
1. Chapter 1

Morgan Freeman: So, it has come to my attention that you all need therapy. Like, really bad.

Zep: NOOOOOOO

Hoffman: Shut up bitch, it's not a big deal. Sheesh.

Amanda: *whispers* I love you John

Morgan Freeman: Umm…ok-ay. I will start by asking a question and we go around the room answering it. First question-

Lawrence: Wait!

MF: What?

Lawrence: …I have to go to the bathroom.

MF: Fine. Go.

(Lawrence leaves then comes back)

Lawrence: There's a body in the bathroom…

Amanda: JOHNNN!

*John walks in*

John: Sup.

MF: Okay, now that we're all here, first question- Confess something you feel you need to obsess less over.

John: Bathrooms.

Amanda: John…

Hoffman: The Earth loves me man…*starts to play the bongos* (singing) Earth is my mother

Adam: Was that a yo mamma joke?

Tapp: Alright you two.

MF: What? When did you get here?

Tapp: Shut up. You're just jealous because my voice is more awesomer than yours.

Adam: More awesomer?

James Earl Jones: Wrong. My voice is Awesomest.

MF: …He's right.

Tapp: Yeah.

MF: Okay, next question. Tell us a little bit about yourselves.

Adam: I was born a poor black child…

Zep: Shut up man, no one gets your references!

Adam: Hey! I thought I killed you with a toilet!

Zep: You did…*holds fingers in two interlocking circles, puts behind head, brings them out separated* ooohhh..

Adam: Whoa!

John: I wrote a song…

MF: Wonderful! Let's hear it.

Song: Jigsaw and I know it. Written by DARWIN51 performed by John

Yeah Yeah

When I walk on by, people be like "shit I'm gonna die"

I always wear a pigs mask or targets on my cheek Yeah.

That's how I roll, with my reverse bear trap outta control

Ahh… girl look at that handsaw

…you saw your own foot off

Try and find my key…

I-I-I ride a trike!

Ahh…Just look at Adam

…He's in a bathtub

He kills Zep with a toilet…

I-I-I hide keys!

When I walk in the room (yeah)

This is what I see (okay)

Everybody points all their guns at me

I got a twisted sense of fun and I aint afraid to show it

Show it show it show it…

I'm Jigsaw and I know it…

Bitch I'm Jigsaw and I know it

-fin-

Adam: That was very revealing.

Lawrence: I told you I wasn't Jigsaw!

Tapp: Damnit. You're under arrest.

John: Wahhh! Morgan, he can't do that!

MF: Now now, we can't arrest people for sharing their feeeelings here.

Tapp: Stupid bitch

MF: Anyways. Lets continue. Our next activity is to admit your deepest fears.

Adam: Deep? The ocean.

Hoffman: The ocean is our friend, brother *plays bongos again*

Zep: Will you cut that out? *grabs bongos and breaks them, throws them out the window, pours gasoline out the window then lights a match , drops it, and watches the bongos explode* How do ya LIKE me now bitch?

Hoffman: It's okay, brother. We are like twin bears swimming upstream against the current of life.

John: Hoffman, I told you to stop smoking crack.

Amanda: Crack? Where!

John: *facepalm* have I taught you _nothing_?

Adam: Um. I..I…

MF: what Adam? You can share anything here.

Adam: I need a tampon.

Everyone: *facepalm*

**Yes I wrote the parody and I'm damn proud of it.**


	2. Chapter 2

Saw therapy  
>2<br>MF: So, thank you all for coming back to our therapy group.  
>Zep: Like I had a choice... *is restrained in straitjacket*<br>MF: ...Right. This next discussion is very personal, I want you all to share a traumatic event you experienced.  
>Everyone but John: JIGSAW!<br>John: what?  
>MF: sigh. Okay, besides that.<br>Adam: Ooh! Me! Pick me!  
>MF: yes.<br>Adam: Once, I had this pet rat. He was my bestest friend in the whole world. We did everything together...  
>MF: ...And?<br>Adam: Oh! I have him right here with me!  
>Tapp: Eeek! Rat! *jumps on chair*<br>Zep: rats are gross!  
>Hoffman: A PERSONS A PERSON NO MATTER HOW SMALL.<br>*silence*  
>Adam: that's right Horton.<br>Tapp: *stiffles giggle* I see what you did there.  
>Amanda: I have an experience to share!<br>MF: go ahead.  
>Amanda: So, like, once, my BFF went out with this guy, but then she said blah blah blah and he said thisthatwhatever so then she was all hoinky doink and-<br>Zep: hoinky doink?  
>MF: I said traumatic, not <em>dra<em>matic.  
>Amanda: oh. Then I got nothin.<br>Zep: I have one!  
>MF: Ahh yes, share with us, Zep.<br>Zep: well, once someone snuck into my house, kidnapped me, put me in a straitjacket, and made me sit through a stupid therapy session.  
>Adam: oh! I get it! He's being deadpan!<br>Zep: riight, cause that _totally _didn't happen or anything. *wiggles arms in straitjacket*  
>Tapp: Idiot.<br>Adam: Yeah! Ha, he's an idiot!  
>Tapp: ...I was talking about you.<br>Adam: meanie  
>Tapp: butthead!<br>Adam: Fart face!  
>Tapp: I am not a fart face! You are!<br>Adam: oh yeah? Well...well... Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!  
>Tapp: GASP! Oh no you di-int!<br>Adam: *snap* Guurll! I just did!  
>Tapp: that's it bitch! Hold my poodle!<br>Adam: hold my rat!  
>*adam and Tapp lunge at each other and immediately begin pulling each other's hair, pinching, squealing, biting, and nipple twisting until Morgan Freeman calls in security and has them taken away*<br>Hoffman: isn't there ANY other therapist we could talk to?  
>MF: well, I tried to quit, we hired a new person, but after he read your files, he quit. Then there was another guy, who wanted to use violence to fix you guys, and we fired him.<br>Mark: F-Fire? Where?  
>MF: No no mark, no fire. I forgot to mention, we have someone new joining us today, this is Mark.<br>Hoffman: wait, that's me!  
>Mark: no! It's me!<br>Amanda: omg it's an identity crisis! Who's the real Mark?  
>Zep: my bets on Hoffman.<br>Mark: I AM MARK!  
>Amanda: oh, did the writing on the walls tell you that?<br>John: he wouldn't know, now would he?  
>Mark: hey! Too soon, man.<br>*adam and Tapp are led back into the room, now also in straitjackets.*  
>Adam: *to the guard* STOP TOUCHING ME! I think I need a bath.<br>John: I can help you with that...  
>Adam! NO! *breathes heavily* .again.<br>MF: okay now guys, one more question then we're done for today. If you could be anybody in the world, who would you be?  
>Amanda: Batman<br>Zep: George Clooney  
>Tapp: Osama bin laden!<br>*everyone stares*  
>Adam: OPRAH!<br>Mark: say whaat?  
>Tapp: what<br>John: what  
>Amanda: what<br>Mark: no, don't actually say it, just- ugh. You guys aren't cool enough.  
>Amanda: you're not exactly <em>cool <em>either mister fire lord.  
>Mark: hey! I can do whatever I want, and you can't tell me what to say either!<br>Amanda: oh, did the writing on the walls tell you that?  
>Adam: OPRAH! <p>


	3. Chapter 3

Saw therapy  
>3<p>

MF: Welcome back everyone! We have lots in store for today.  
>Hoffman: Do we get toys?<br>MF: um. No. Moving on-  
>Adam: No wait that's not fair!<br>Lawrence: yeah! We want toys!  
>MF: Fine! Where do you suppose we can find toys?<br>Mark: I brought toys!  
>Amanda: how many times do we have to tell you; Matches aren't toys!<br>Mark: They're not matches! *dumps sack of toys on the floor*  
>Zep: Ooh! Tinker toys!<br>Adam: Action figures!  
>Tapp: Lincoln Logs! They're manly.<br>Mark: ...matches are manlier  
>MF: Wonderful! Everyone's happy. I'll ask the first question. What is your favorite thing and why?<br>Adam: I like dinosaurs * makes sound effects with mouth while clashing two toy dinosaurs together*  
>Zep: I like Disneyland! Except... Mickey rejected my hug. I cried...<br>Lawrence: my favorite thing is my right pinky toe. _Oh wait._ *glares at John*  
>Amanda: I <em>don't <em>like these tinkertoys. It doesn't fit!  
>Mark: that's what she said<br>Amanda: so did your mother. Haha! Buurnn. Get it? Mark just got buurned.  
>Mark: that's not funny.<br>MF: okayy. Let's keep going. What do you like John?  
>John: Saws, mostly. And the occasional bear trap<br>Amanda: *in small voice* ...reverse... *rubs jaw*  
>MF: wonderful! We are showing our weaknesses! Would you like to elaborate, Amanda?<br>*amanda hits Morgan freeman over the head with the lethal looking tinker toy creation she made, then sits back down*  
>MF: *moans*<br>Tapp: well on that note...  
>*security bursts through the door and drags Amanda away, then Bear Grylls walks in*<br>Bear: Okay listen up! I'm your new therapist! Get used to it!  
>Adam: are they going to leave that body lying in the middle of the floor?<br>John: That's my job!  
>Bear: Alright listen! Our next conversation is about SURVIVAL! You need to SURVIVE in the wild! What do you need to survive?<br>Adam: OPRAH!  
>Zep: toilet paper!<br>Bear: WRONG! You need your own PISS! DRINK IT!  
>Tapp: *small voice* ...but I don't want to do that...<br>(voice over the intercom) there will be no piss drinking! I repeat, no piss drinking  
>Bear: fine. I'll give a situation. You say what you would do! You're in the desert, you have two days before you die of starvation and the only thing at your hand is sand and rocks. What do you do?<br>Tapp: make a fire!  
>Bear: with what?<br>Zep: uhh...Mark?  
>Mark: hey!<br>Bear: WRONG WRONG WRONG! You hollow out a rock with your bare fingers, piss in it, put sand in it to absorb the toxins, then drink it!  
>Mark: ...pretty sure it doesn't work that way.<br>Bear: FINE! Then YOU make a situation!  
>Adam: okay okay. You have one bag of ramen. But you're sick of eating it the normal way. What do you do?<br>Zep: okay okay I got this. You boil water, eat the chunk of hard noodles, snort the flavor packet, and drink the boiled water!  
>Adam: CORRECT!<br>Bear: NO! That's all wrong! That's not a survival situation!  
>*amanda is led back in, in a straitjacket*<br>Zep: welcome to the straitjacket club!  
>Amanda: *growls*<br>(voice on intercom): okay, bear, you're fired. Pocahontas is here to replace you.  
>Pocahontas: welcome all! I brought flowers!<br>Lawrence: I'm allergic.  
>Pocahontas: we are going to give a wonderful welcome to our newest addition to our group. Jeff!<br>Adam: hey Jeff  
>Hoffman: hey Jeff<br>Jeff: Sup.  
>Pocahontas: paint with the colors of the mountains, Jeff!<br>Jeff: what the fuck does that even mean?  
>Pocahontas: I...I really don't know. I didn't write the script. Moving on. I've been instructed to give you these. I pass around this box, and you each draw a slip of paper with an inspirational quote on it. Adam, you first. Read it aloud.<br>Adam: "ride your ambitions to the sky"  
>Pocahontas: what do you think that means?<br>Adam: I think it's about this guy who rides his magic dragon named Ambition off into the sunset but they end up getting raped by a Mexican vegetarian named Steak who has mind control powers but only when he's eating corn.  
>Pocahontas: ...Wonderful! Pass it to Jeff.<br>Jeff: "the greatest danger could be your stupidity" I don't know what that means but I feel insulted. *passes box to Amanda, but it falls on floor because she's in a straitjacket. Then he passes it to Zep but that doesn't work either because he is also in a straitjacket*  
>John: ugh just give it to me! "your artistic talents win the applause of others" you mean people actually enjoy my traps! I feel so loved!<br>Amanda: it's true. I love John.  
>Adam: well I love Oprah.<br>Zep: well I hate all of you. 


	4. Chapter 4

MF: After yesterday's little…_episode_, we are issuing some tests to check your mental sanity. Each of you will be taken into a separate room and given some tests.

**ROOM 1: JOHN**

Mf: John, what do you see in this Rorschach test?

John: Well, I see a couple things.

MF: Tell me.

John: I see a chainsaw.

MF: A chainsaw? That's new.

John: I see a carousel.

MF: Right. Related to one of your traps. Go on.

John: And a bunny.

MF: a…bunny?

ROOM 2: ADAM

MF: I'm going to say a word. You tell me the first word that comes to your mind. Ready? Animal.

Adam: Potato

MF: Color

Adam: Potato

MF: Angry.

Adam: (says angrily) POTATO!

MF: Adam, you can't answer potato for everything.

Adam: Why not?

MF: is it really the first thing that comes to your mind?

Adam: What? I'm hungry.

**ROOM 3: ZEP**

Mf: This test is about having a good role model. Choose a role model that influences you and who you can try to be like.

Zep: Okay. How about The Flash?

MF: The Flash?

Zep: Yeah. You know. Faster than the speed of light?

MF: It's _speeding bullet,_ and that's Superman.

Zep: Right. But he's the fastest man alive!

MF: Why do you choose him? Because he saves lives?

Zep: Are you kidding? Being fast would be so cool! I could pick my nose so fast no one would even see! (Stands up, puts foot on chair and thrusts fist in the air) Zep! Warp speed nose picker!

**ROOM 4: AMANDA**

Mf: Here is a piece of paper. It has two lines on it. One is straight, one is curved. You have ten minutes to draw whatever you think you can make using those two lines.

~Ten minutes Later~

MF: Okay, what did you draw?

Amanda: I drew John.

MF: He's…wearing a speedo?

Amanda: I love him.

MF: And what does this tell us?

Amanda: That I love him

MF: …in a speedo?

Amanda: Yep.

MF: (shakes head) I thought I'd seen it all ((interpret that however you want;))

**ROOM 5: MARK**

Mf: Here are some building blocks. Build something and tell me what you made.

(Mark builds structure using his beaver teeth to shape some pieces)

MF: No..don't do that! Oh. Too late.

Mark: Done! It's a castle!

MF: Wonderful! And-

Mark: Right here is the torture chamber. The flying monkeys put people in there where they rip them in half and beat them with sticks. Up here is the king's bedroom, anyone who tries to enter gets 999999999999 volts of electricity in their butthole! And here-

MF: Stop. Just…the test is over.

**EVERYONE BACK IN A GROUP**

Mf: oKAY. So I've gone over the results of the tests…

Adam: (whispers to Amanda) I bet I got an A.

Amanda: A for Asshole.

MF: You are all insane. I have concluded from the sests that you are all officially insane.

Mark: (wiggles arms in the air) in-sane in the mem-brane!

Jeff: Ugh. You are all so totally stupid.


End file.
